This entire trip to Poland has been unbelievably stressful and tiring. Im exhausted, lonely, and feel like Ive been on some emotional rollercoaster. Im not trying to say that it has been all bad; there are many things that Ive realized and will hopefully retain after this trip that are incredibly beneficial. Overall however Im disappointed. Im disappointed in my relationship, or lack thereof, with my sister. We love eachother its true, but she's been distant and cold and there were many times where I longed for a hug or a conversation and she did not or could not provide one. Her life is in such a different state than I would allow mine to remain in that I dont understand it. Ive made a fool of myself on this trip telling off her husband after she complained to me so much about his drinking habits. I feel like this whole time Ive had to fight to show that Im an adult and perhaps in the process have only proven how much I have left still in growing up. I feel like people think my beliefs are a joke- vegetarianism, feminism, environmental friendliness...practically every meal was incredibly uncomfortable because the fact that I dont eat meat had to be brought up and discussed. Once again the lack of protein was beaten to death and people have asked me to eat things that I obviously would NOT eat - such as prosciutto, and bacon. Its like they were testing my resolve. Im 26 and people are really surprised by my age (they think Im younger) so, either I act very childish, look childish or they project childishness on me. Lots of thinking this trip about marriage, and having kids, about what these things do to relationships. Ive really learned appreciate the relationship I have with Kellen and to appreciate who he is. I take for granted the way he treats me, cares for me, etc. The trip has made me think about how me and him will live together, since that is what will happen for the first time when I get back. Im anxious and worried that something will go wrong and we'll find out that we just cant function together in the same house. Im also anxious about work, finding it, whether or not Ill be able to do what I want in Dallas...things of that nature. Im really ready to come home. To be on my own and with Kellen and feel like everything I do and think isnt some freak alien thing. I dont know if people are so keyed into their lives or if theyve just been taught that way but all the things that Ive taken the time to think through and decide about (such as not eating meat) they just dont even question. Ive known this is the case all along, its just become very evident after this trip. I want Thursday to come and yet at the same time the thought of leaving my sister makes me devastated, especially because how fucked up her life seems to me right now. I want to help her but its just not possible. Id like to think that she will fix it and make the right decisions but I know she wont. So there you have it people...Im bummed and lonely. Really feeling that lack of love right now.
I was rummaging through my inbox on my yahoo mail account (used mostly for spam) and discovered a letter from a certain O.O Wow...that feels like a lifetime ago and of course in typical nostalgia fashion I headed over to lj to check out my entries on that time. Man Im so glad Im not that person anymore. Really on many levels, not just regarding what was happening in my life but also who I was. Definately owe O.O an apology (pass it on if you see him) for being way to clingy. It's a shame really because I ruined what I really wanted. At the same time my clingy-ness loans itself to being equivalent to me being just pathetic. Not saying that O.O acted appropriately given the situation however the entire situation did seem in someways to be generated by me. And frankly for the record that whole business, really that whole relationship, isn't really in my memory. It's almost as if a giant eraser came along and just cleaned the whole thing out. I really and truly fail to remember many, many things about it. Kinda glad tho. Anybody else have that experience with any of their memories?
For those that may actually be reading this and know nothing about whats happening in my life here's a rough outline:
Graduated Film School
Finishing my other Masters in Humanities
In a wonderful relationship with Kellen:)
Going to LA in a couple of months
Wanting to be a 1st AD
Working as a photographer (doing school pictures, senior formals, etc.)
After being given a short talk about my lack of posting I return to you with this bit of thinking that Ive been mulling over for the last day or so.
I spent the later part of my night yesterday watching a brief moment in a movies, making of, frame by frame because of how unbelievable hot me and my friend both found it to be. In case you've seen the movie, its "The Fall," with Lee Pace, if you havent you should go check it out for the visuals alone.
Anyways, this is a moment that hasnt even made it into the final cut of the movie, but you get to see them shooting it when you watch the special features.
The scene is essentially Lee Pace, in sexy hot attire, eyeliner? (indeed sexy in this case) and buzzed hair cut. Stepping up to, shall we say, claim his woman. He already knows he likes her but in the story he decides he must shoot her because she is the woman of his enemy, however when he fires the bullet and her heart shaped locket prevents her from getting killed (by stopping the bullet, and yes just remember this is a fanciful sort of children's epic) he realizes that they are to be together and walks towards her with long strides, and steps up to kiss her. The manner of which is all together clearly grandiose and more importantly powerful.
I kid you not me and my friend watched the scene frame by frame, giggling and completely smitten with the way that he walked, stepped up and went to kiss the girl. He doesnt even actually kiss her! The director calls cut and the blushing and embarrassed woman turns away while Lee Pace dons a goofy looking smile.
Me and her began to talk about similar, "hot" moments. Dumb example but whatever, like in Twilight when Rob Pattinson leans Bella against this boulder and puts his arms on either side of her leaning in to her or when in The Illusionist Edward Norton grabs whats her names face and sort of pushes her against the wall then kisses her.
All these sort of make me think because in some ways theres a very blurred line between power and ownership that at the same time I have to admit I find fairly attractive. In each of these moments, as well as many others, its when men display not just strength but I guess dominion? that makes them "hot".
Just pondering this and the effects that my obvious like of these moments has on my thought on womens lib, etc, etc.
So take that for at least a relatively interesting return to posting.
Wow. Its a lot.
Big show. We're shooting in St. Augustine. I have no car. Its fucking up again, theres some electrical bullshit. We leave on Tuesday and I dont think it will be done by then. Yesterday my eyeball twitched the whole day because I hadnt gotten any sleep and I think my blood pressure through the roof. Tom (producer) is freaking out even more, I dont think he fully understands everything thats happening. Ling (director) is getting streeeesseed out. Havent heard too much from Stephen (dp).
Let me give you a tally of what will happen on this show:
1) a week of filming out of town in a place none of us are familiar with
2) 2 out of town actors, 1 from LA, one NY
3) filming in the ocean--thats right, camera on a boat, actors in the water
4) filming at the top, both the lantern room and mechanical room of a lighthouse 165 FEET of climbing STAIRS
5) underwater photography in a pool
6) night shoots
Im most excited about the underwater stuff. Its a dream sequence so the girl is going to be wearing this red dress that I sewed. Its big, and streamy like red seaweed. Should be cool--one hopes.
There was definitely more stuff before this that I cant remember. Dreamt that it was WW2 and I was clearly Jewish and in Poland. Somehow me and my grandmother were trying to run away. My grandmother looked like she did back when I lived with her when I was a little girl. We went to Michael's house and he was there but he turned us away and I know he seemed upset. So me and my grandma we're in this fenced in park on a wooden bridge that a has a wrap around wooden boardwalk surrounding the park. I know that theres this guy after me, although it didnt seem like he was after my grandmother, and suddely I see him on the other side of the park driving his motorcycle on the wooden ramp. As he comes closer Im trying to figure out what to do so I pass by my grandma, I find a hole in the fence and get out of the park. I cross the street to old old apartment houses, the kind in warsaw that are just attached to each other and I hide between the fence thats in front of them and the houses themselves in what looks like a sewer essentially. I lie down in this gross crap and I know at one point Im looking face to face with a mouse or rat. Thankfully it was not horrifying but rather cute and relatable. All of a sudden the doors open to one of the apartments and out come this family. And I watch and hope they dont notice me. They say goodbyt to each other all except this one woman who does notice me because these dobermans came out of her house after her and noticed me. So Ive got these terrifying dobermans and a woman who is certainly not happy with me essentially being in her gutter.I know that she stood me up and was shaking me while these dogs were barking. I think I got away somehow cause I seem to recall being back in Michaels place talking to some Spanish dude with no teeth through a grate window. He was saying that he was there to clean the place up, drive the car a little bit so it wouldnt end up stalling and to go get us food, it seemed like we were in hiding. Then I kind of woke up.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I totalled my car.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I have no idea if I even made any
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Sheena Barnes gave birth to Aiden like 3 days ago.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, and Im very thankful.
5. What countries did you visit?
6. What wouldn't you like to have in 2009 that you had in 2008?
Car accidents and broken harddrives
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Election day for sure when I drove around afterwards with my roomate screaming and holding the Obama sign out our window honking our horn.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making a D2!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Car accidents and not backing up harddrives.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a REALLY bad flu. Horrible. I held icepacks to my face in order to cool down and fall asleep.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing that I can think of. I try not to spend money
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My sisters! For finally filing divorce.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Some 1st years in the MFA program, Ryan's...
14. Where did most of your money go?
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Election, D2s and now Thesis
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
Katy Perry- I Kissed a Girl, or La Vida- Coldplay
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
A) happier or sadder? happier.
B) thinner or fatter? thinner
C) richer or poorer? poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With family and Kellen's family
21. How will you be spending New Year's?
Who the hell knows
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I stayed in it :)
23. How many one-night stands?
Zeo but lots of great sex overall :)
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Of the year? Hell probably Project Runway
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No I dont think hate...
26. What was the best book you read?
Equus (although its a play)
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Andrew Sisters and Betty Hutton?
28. What did you want and get?
Happiness with Kellen
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
HOLY CRAP! Maybe Vicky Cristina Barcelona? Dark Knight? Twilight?
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 25 and I...had party with film schoolers at my pool, drank sangria and had a blast.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
34. What kept you sane?
Kellen. And film school (its also what kept me insane)
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
37. Who did you miss?
MY SISTER! Horribly.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
I learned to back up my fucking files. Im going to do it every month! 2 hardrives died!
After the casting trip to Atlanta Ive been so mentally checked out. It was so fucking hard. Particularly because I didnt feel like the people I went with didnt pull their weight. Sure they did something but still....
And then there's the fact that Im still no closer to trains and Africa than I was like 3 weeks ago. Thats a whole freakin month of nothing. I literally wake up every morning having to fight off the desire to do nothing. Some kind of success has to come sometime right?
My house looks like a hurricane hit it, my car still doesnt have a bumper, I have no money, and Im sitting here doing this rather than making phone calls and studying for the lame ass final I have tonight.
On a different note I read Equus and I absolutely loved it. I really want someone around whose read it so I can talk to them yet there is noone like that:(
Its sad really. Youd think that ever since middle school would be long enough to shake my obsession with vampires. Im as lost in this damn Twilight thing as any 14 year old and I feel slightly pathetic about it. The movie is horrendously bad (at times) but never does it reach "good" per se. Yet I enjoyed it and am going again. I started reading the leaked version of the first book told from the guy's perspective and cant get that sappy goo feeling you get when youre crushing out of my brain. Good news is that its totally transferrable to Kellen. That may sound funny but feeling it makes me think about how I feel about Kellen and that only makes me acknowledge the good. So yeah total sap for the Twilight. May as well post it in here. True Blood on the other hand I dont like...I still watch cause you know, vampires, but Im hardly feelin. That show needs a serious injection of chemistry. Im seriously hoping though that for the next Twilight flick they get some more cash, a better director and fix that fucking wirework so I dont have to be so damn embarrassed about liking it!